Writing songs to transpire mental states and emotions. Sharing her darkest struggles and her insights to learning emotional resilience so others might feel less alone. A phoenix rising from the ashes on and off stage. This is the dark feminine force of Elohim. Power Of Panic is the vocalist-producer’s latest album resulting from her personal experiences with anxiety and panic disorder.
Becoming dependent on Benzodiazepines in an effort to cope, canceling her headline tour as a result, and postponing the production of the album may have not felt like a triumphant tale. Instead, these moments calling upon her inner strength fueled blood and life to the album Elohim thought would never come to reality.
As she admits it would be easy to wonder about a parallel universe in which she was performing for thousands, she also sheds light on the album’s message: “Power of Panic is yours: no stage, no lights, and that has to be enough for now.” I, Mary Mason, interviewed Elohim on the behalf of savormeditation about the struggles hidden throughout the album’s beauty and the whirlwind of complex emotions behind tracks like “The Call”.
iHR: Thank you so much for your time and allowing me the wonderful opportunity to interview you for the second time; I initially interviewed you for Electric Forest 2023 here! I’m beyond grateful because your transparency with your innermost struggles and how they can both positively and negatively impact your career has made me feel less alone as a woman in EDM-related media. Thank you so much for your impact!
At one point, you questioned releasing the album. And, yet, here we are. Saying congratulations doesn’t express how remarkable it is to follow your musical journey, acknowledge your mental health struggles, and see you come out of the other side stronger!
If you feel comfortable sharing, why did you doubt releasing this personal and triumphant album? What emotions or experiences caused you to overcome the doubt and release the album anyway?
Elohim: Thank you SO much for such beautiful, kind, heartwarming words. I could squeal with gratitude and happiness towards you. Thank you! I think I questioned everything eight months ago when I was at one of my lowest points and had to cancel my tour. I felt defeated. And, when you start walking down that dark road, you don’t think anyone cares or wants to hear your music. It’s a feeling of not feeling worthy.
I remember the first session I had with my therapist at that time I said to her “I don't feel worthy of being human” and I absolutely broke down sobbing to her because that was one of the saddest things I’d ever said out loud. It broke me.
Honestly, working really hard to come out of that dark place is what ultimately re-ignited my willingness and excitement towards releasing this album. I finally got back in the studio–finished everything and made some new stuff. I was feeling well and inspired enough to share this project. I knew I had to, I just didn't know when. When I signed with my label Position (whom I love with all my heart), I felt so safe, so protected, so encouraged. I am really lucky to have such supportive people around me.
iHR: The message of Power Of Panic alludes to celebrating the power of alchemizing anxiety and panic into something greater. You’ve transformed, redefined yourself and your art because of intense periods of mental health challenges–using them as sources of inspiration.
What is a message or advice you would tell yourself before you began to recover and finish the album?
Elohim: I would tell her that I PROMISE this feeling and darkness will not last forever. “El, we are going to get out of this.” My therapist said to me “You are the ocean, not the waves. Emotions will move through you”. This sentiment is simple but SO true! No matter what, there will always be ebbs and flows. And, I think that is comforting.
When it's the worst, if you can tell yourself “it won't always be like this” and somehow figure out a way to believe it, I think you will get through it. It's so complicated. I still struggle so frequently. I've had to adjust my life in huge heartbreaking ways to be able to survive, so it's bittersweet. I am mourning this ability to tour and travel but I'm also enjoying feeling okay: eating, sleeping, creating, being at home.
iHR: During that tough time when you were questioning whether or not to release the album, how was the album different from Power Of Panic now? Do you think we would be talking about a vastly different album if you didn’t have those intense periods of feeling?
Elohim: I think everything would be really different and it makes me sad. I can’t lie and pretend this was supposed to happen. I wish it didn't! I wish I didn’t feel severe anxiety and panic to the point I couldn’t leave my home without vomiting. I wish my depersonalization didn’t exist. I wish I didn't have to cancel my tour and I'd been out there thriving, feeling great. I would do anything for that. Or, maybe I wouldn't, I don't know.
At the same time... it did happen. I do have to do what is best for me so that I can survive and find ways to enjoy life, feel inspired. It isn't the prettiest thing to talk about but I can only be honest; that is the way I am. I want more humans to be honest. It is why the people I've met through releasing music have been such a blessing for me. I feel so much less alone. But even then, I have loneliness and question everything.
So, yes, Power Of Panic would be different and some parts would be the same. I have written and recorded almost four albums worth of music since that time eight months ago. For that, I am eternally grateful and who knows what will come from that! At the end of the day, I guess there is always a reason even though it may take us a while to understand it. One day, I pray I will have clarity. Thank you for the deep questions by the way.
iHR: Returning to the stage to perform in front of your fans aligns with your creative purpose and you found the affirmation to the endeavor during life’s chaos, not during life’s existential bliss. I think everyone can learn something from you in that regard.
Why did you decide not to give up or ignore performing as a part of your creative vision? I can say for myself and other fans we can’t wait to reunite with you on the dance floor!
Elohim: You are brilliant, thank you. It is really refreshing and comforting to read your words. Performing has always been a struggle for me. When I was little and I had a piano recital, competition, or performance at my school, I would get so nervous! The interesting thing is the second I step on that stage, I feel like the most free-badass-in-charge version of myself.
I would say it is both interesting and frustrating. The “leading-up” to the stage is hell but being on stage can be blissful. Since the pandemic ended, I have found it really difficult to find my legs doing even simple things in this world: going to the store and making plans with friends. When I had to go to the airport every day and leave home for a show, it felt like pure chaos and my body just shut down.
That being said, there was a time when I overcame this! I know I have the ability to do so. It is just a matter of how and when and will that only be a dream? I recently have been really into a pianist named Vladamir Horowitz and his story. He was a very famous heartthrob and would tour the world a lot! He started developing severe depression and stopped touring. He didn't perform for TWELVE years and didn't leave his home for two years!
In a way, that made me feel less alone. Trust me, it’s heartbreaking to feel almost trapped by my anxiety and panic disorder and derealization. It's humiliating as well as absolutely gut-wrenchingly frustrating. But, I will always keep fighting!
iHR: The cover art for both “Can’t Remember Your Name” and “Tiny Human” incorporate a large eye against a violet-purple background. What is the meaning behind this style choice? Are you seeing the truth of life’s circumstances at this time in your life?
Elohim: I chose the eye as a recurring theme because perception was important. In a way what you mentioned applies to that, the eye represents what I am seeing as well. As you look through the different covers, you’ll see the eye in different environments or stylized in different ways. That speaks to my perception of the music at that time and how I felt when I looked inside.
iHR: When I listened to the album from start to finish, “The Call” easily became my favorite song from the album! Quite honestly, it has become one of my favorite songs of all time.
This masterful track’s dialogue is an account of the human experience embodying feelings of desire, loneliness, self-awareness, while seeming unafraid to express those vulnerable feelings.
You’ve mastered all of those emotions and placed them in a song that can make listeners cry while dancing to their darkest moments simultaneously. This song brought me to tears of acceptance on the first listen.
Thank you for being an artist unafraid to express yourself because this track in particular has made me feel seen and understood with lyrics, “feel everything and nothing at the same time”.
Because I can’t imagine my life without this song now, why did you include it in the album?
Elohim: I am so happy you love it so much, wow! Thank you! I had a very similar feeling and I knew I had to add it. Sometimes, we question things and with this, I had zero questioning. I just knew it was perfect. It's so funny–I had sent it to someone on my team and he said “We should add this to the album if it's not too late”. I FELT THE SAME!
Funkin Matt had sent me the track. I opened it and I just started freestyling, speaking these words in one take on my voice notes app. I sent it to him being like this is kinda weird but..and he sent it back as it is right now. “The Call” is probably the fastest song I’ve ever made. The one time a manic decision was one of the best!
iHR: Even though “Can’t Remember Your Name” is written about memory loss and brain fog. I found that “Can’t Remember Your Name” also notes the struggle of emotional blunting with lyrics: “What’s the point of living if I can’t feel a thing?.
How does your raw, honest artistic expression guide you in phases of emotional blunting or phases of feeling too overemotional?
Elohim: Wanna know what's funny? Sometimes, I write the best songs on the first day of my menstrual cycle or the night before. HAHA! As you know, being a woman is very complicated and it’s not talked about enough (in my personal opinion).
Anyway, I think my body as a whole is very in tune emotionally and spiritually. Yes, sometimes that means I’m way too in tune so much that I have to shut out the world–completely hermit away alone under the blankets and not speak to another soul.
I would say my cycle, my emotions, and my spirit guides me to create. Sometimes, honestly, it's not good! But, that's why this year I've written almost 4 albums. I can't say all of it is amazing but there is some of the best stuff I've ever written sprinkled in there!
iHR: I’m a huge fan of fashion psychology and with your new press shots, it’s so easy to recognize this new resurgence of self-confidence and liberated expression you’re exuding. From long black latex gloves and extreme wide flare denim jeans, what is motivating you to come forward and experiment with your fashion style right now?
Elohim: This year has been all about feeling confident in my body and working hard to do so. That specific day I had that photoshoot, I felt SO confident! I felt in control and empowered. I felt, dare I say, BEAUTIFUL! What an amazing feeling!!! I think as humans we must celebrate when we feel that way, embrace it and run with it.
